Sunday, 17 July 2011

D day - and the winner is?

Gasp! Shock! Horror!    No - I think it's going to be ok.

This was me this afternoon when I was away from the house and realised I hadn't taken my medication this morning. My mind went into a small meltdown, then started racing through thoughts at 100 miles an hour. Crap. Crap. Crap.
What do I do - What can I do?

Then I stopped myself. Take a breathe. Get a grip.
I tried hard not to do a full self-analysis which is what I would do 20 times a day at the height of my anxiety. I'm fine - I know this. I don't need to analyse.

It's the day I have dredded since going back on anti-anxiety medication in March. I knew it would happen, eventually. I often thought about what I would do when it did happen. I have gone to work just to turn back countless times, sometimes a good distance along the road because I had forgotten to take my tablets.

So, what was I going to do today?
In the many times I had gone over this in my head, I had finally decided that, given that the medication had taken over 4 weeks to take full effect in my system, that missing one dose might not make a HUGE difference. Also, if I had been late an hour or two taking the tablets I probably would have gone home to take them. But, given that we are into the afternoon now and I usually take them when I get up, added to the fact that I am heading away from home and on foot with a friend - nope, I missed today's dose. That's all there is to it. No biggie - right. I hadn't broken into a sweat, the world hadn't rushed in at my, my vision was clear, my heart wasn't jumping out of my chest, my breathing was regular. Woo hoo - a win for me!
image source
To come to this conclusion quite quickly was a big moment for me. The fact that I had completely forgotten about my tablets until the afternoon was also an indication that I am doing so much better now than at the beginning of the year. There were days, weeks, months when my anxiety dominated my life and everything I did - or couldn't do as the case was.

Now, I was doing so much better. Don't get me wrong, this is not the time to wean myself off the tablets or (God forbid) stop taking them. My medication had brought me back to feeling a little like me again, and they helped me function everyday. I quite like the way I feel these days and am in no hurry to test the waters and to start feeling anything less. Today, I had gone a step toward the fact that I might be on medication to get through life right now, but there was a lot of effort I was contributing too.