Wednesday, 31 August 2011

W.O.W - Breathing in, breathing out.

I lay in the bath with my eyes closed. The warm water is warming my skin but my bones feel cold. The music in my ears is soothing and distracting. Taking me away from dishevelled thoughts.
The throb in my head is constant and the strangest pain I have felt. I know it's not my usual headache. It is a burning single pain above my forehead. I am dog tired, exhausted even. But sleep is a blissful escape that ends by waking in fright. Heart in my throat.

I try to shake myself loose, but the key in my back has been turned too many times. Is that what causes my mind to race with irrational thoughts and makes my heart jump and flutter in my chest? If only I could reach around and remove the key. I try to steady my breathing.

There is a knock at the door and I jump. "Are you OK in there" he asks. "Yep, all good" I reply, in a voice that I hope is clear and not shaky. He is trying so hard to accommodate me and relieve this .... it has no name. I don't understand what is happening, so how can I reassure him and explain the feeling of it. How do I explain that I have considered the possibilities of what I am experiencing could be the start of something horrible. Something evil. Something to end .... me.  I have made a list in my head of things that need to be done, stuff I need to finish, things I need to tell him. There are things I know, that he doesn't. The things that the kids like and don't like.

I fight the urge to feel the pulse in my throat with my fingers. Something that has grown into a habit of late. I think back to our conversation on the lounge. "The kids are getting scared. They see you staring into space. It scares them ... it scares me." he said. 

If I could take control and steer this ship I would jump up and do it. I feel as though my boat is spinning around uncontrollably. I don't know whether to steer or release the sails. The whipping of the wind in the sails is deafening. The motion is making my stomach roll.

I just need to fight this.

Digital Parents Blog Carnival

This was quite a dark moment for me (us) when anxiety reared it's ugly head but hadn't been diagnosed yet. The panic attacks were close behind.
The Write On Wednesday Rules: Get creative with the writing exercises - there isn't a right or wrong. Please do try to visit the other members of Write On Wednesdays and leave a comment. You can grab the button for Write On Wednesdays from my sidebar.

Write On Wednesdays Exercise 12 - The Fight. Kerri says:  I am a writer of non-fiction (for now, anyway). In my book 'When My Husband Does The Dishes...', I wrote a memoir of marriage and motherhood in as honest way as I knew how. In interviews, I was constantly asked how I felt about revealing so much about myself, and how I knew where to draw the line. I always answered the same way. Every single thing I wrote in that book was 100% true, because without my truth, I had nothing to offer. However, the book didn't represent 100% of the truth, just as my blog doesn't represent 100% of the truth. There are personal details of my life, my husbands life and my kids' lives that I will never reveal, because we all need to to keep something for ourselves. And that's the key to writing good non-fiction - or one of the keys. You have to be honest, because without honesty, your work won't speak to people. You have to be fearless, because restraint in writing can be perceived. But that doesn't mean that you have to bare your entire soul. Choose what you want to share, choose what is relevant to your story. But make sure that what you choose to share is real, and true. 

The exercise today is to write a story from your life. And remember: it has to be 100% true, but it doesn't have to be 100% of the truth. There's a difference. The keywords are: The Fight